Every now and then I get the opportunity to give some career advice to aspiring young individuals. Such was the case a few weeks ago riding home on the train. Some kids, recently into college, asked if I had any advice for them on making a living. I shared with them my opinion on career choices - that you need to find out what sort of person you are before you can figure out how you want to make money. At some point, I decided that humor would keep their attention better, and with that, I came up with the following, which I've dubbed Owen's Eight Asses:

The world is a tough place. No one is going to make you happy or give you what you want without effort on your part. You have to decide now what kind of person you want to be - how you want to attack the problems of life and make a living for yourself.

In my experience, there are approximately eight different way you can make it in the world each with varying results. Sadly, they all involve your ass so get used to it now. In no particular order, here are the different ways you can make it in the world:

1. Work your ass off - this is the one most likely to earn you a steady paycheck and a decent middle class life that you can be proud of. Fortunately for the pursuer of this option, it's not a common choice...most people end up choosing to take it in the rear instead (see #4 below).
2. Work your ass - I throw prostitutes, athletes, and many consultants in this bucket - people who use their beauty, brain, or both to get people to give them what they want. This usually involves a little working your ass off too if you truly want to achieve the higher levels of income. Decent chance of making more than a middle class wage here, but if you don't have the ass-et, you're shit out of luck.
3. Be an ass - nothing says success better than the guy or gal that steals your ideas and takes all the credit. Well, perhaps the person that does that then fires your ass too. While you may know quite a few wealthy people that have chosen this path, don't be fooled - it's harder to be successful as an ass then it looks. Chances are you end up being a poor ass. If you decide you want to be an ass, take a look at a dual career path of working your ass off coupled with being an ass. At least then you can sleep better at night.
4. Take it in the ass - quite a large portion of the working class ends up here - in a job they don't care for with a well-paid ass for a boss. Sure, it's not glamorous, and chances are that you will lose all self respect, but it pays in the end. Most people who choose this option started with working their ass off. Pay scale is middle to lower class with little opportunity for improvement.
5. Kiss ass - the concept here is similar to working one's ass off, with the idea that all your efforts are narrowly focused on kissing someone's ass - often a highly efficient endeavor. The general idea is that the person on the receiving end should be so enamored with your talent that promotions and praise will always be forthcoming. Good chances for middle or upper class income here if you can manage to latch on to the right ass.
6. Kiss your ass goodbye - more of a temporary solution than a lifestyle choice, kissing your ass goodbye is akin to leaving a company where you take it in the ass in hopes of landing a job at a company where you have more ass control and fewer incontinence issues. Experts at kissing their ass goodbye are adept at changing companies every few months, garnering ever increasing paychecks with little actual work performed.
7. Inherit your assets - everyone dreams that their parents were wealthy millionaires. Sadly, despite all the asinine fantasies, this is one choice fate determines for you. If you still have your heart and pocketbook on inheriting your assets, I recommend pursuing #2 above, working your ass.
8. Have one piece of fine ass - similar in concept to working one's ass (#2 above); however, those that well endowed with physical beauty can make their millions with even less effort. If you got it, look for a career in modeling, Hollywood, or wealthy spouse hunting. If you don't, see the kiss your ass goodbye section above.

In the end, most people will try several paths before settling on one. Experimentation with your ass is key.